I guess it was ingrained in me since I started debate (or any academic activity since then) that you don't quit in the middle of the the season (though I couldn't say much about Tennis lessons and violin lessons ^^;;;). Its *just not done*. I guess its also due to the fact that I love debate so much that I knew that I would be forever bound to it (literally =P).

But I didn't run away from those problems. They came back and haunted at perfectly good team with a great debate coach. Being that I had 3 coaches in the 4 years in high school I understand the problems of coaches. (Also being a coach helps ^^;;) And I know what can happen. In the seven years of debate I have had 4 coaches (2 of them who had gone through divorce). Its difficult to give yourself to a team that may not give you that same repect back. Its hard because you don't know what to expect the next day or the next week.

Which is why I understand my coach and I go and I try my hardest and I put in as much work as I can. I may not cut the best cards, or do the most research but I help in other ways and to be honest the stress has gotten to me. ^^;;; Debate is not a walk in the park but then again I never did like taking the normal way. =P (Well when expected I guess...)

But what I don't understand is this political BS that is going on in the team. Its understandable that we have good debaters (not me =P) and they know they are good. But its another thing to use that knowledge and pretty much beat back people's esteem with it. And worst of all wave it around like a sense of power. I hated that in HS and I hate it MORE in NOW since (and here is that blind faith again -_-) I thought people would be more mature about it.

I admit that seeing everybody else at least make it to out-rounds and me (the junior debater trying to get her partner to at least make it to tournaments and then get frustrated at him for not going with the flow) not succeeding when I was supposed to, its frustrating and its disappointing. Especially when I have a semi successful IE (individual events/speech) career. I'm just as competitive as the rest and it bothers me when I'm not advancing as fast as the rest (and I'm hampered by a AWOL partner who goes to follow Pearl Jam for 2 weeks @_@). It bothers me that my "effort" goes unappreciated and I pretty much get the short end of the stick (tho it doesn't always seem that way I know ^^;;;).

Being that I am quite selfish I wanted to go to Nationals. It was always my dream to go compete in Nats. I don't care if I didn't break to out-rounds but I wanted to be part of the group that competed in nats. Secondly, since I have 4 years (8 semesters) eligbility alotted to me I have to watch what I do in debate wisely. I cannot compete forever. (Though I wish I could compete for maybe 2 more years ^^;;;). And with 3 semesters left out of the 8, I am definitely not going to waste my time and energy debating with random partners when I can hold that eligibility and debate with a permanent stable partner that will go to Nats with me. Its not too much to ask. But with the advent of my current partner deciding to nearly quit mid round and quitting mid tournament I realized that I should save my eligibility. I hope and wish that my coach sees that I am doing this not for a selfish reason (unless that selfish reason is purely educational and that I wanted to debate with a permanent partner and stay debating with my coach o.o) and that I put debate first (its always been first @_@ ever since high school).

Which is why I hate it when people pull this prima donna shit and go "Well *I* wasn't informed so I'm not going!" which is the last straw that breaks the camel's back (my coach Shawn) who decides to not take us to a very important tournament. I sit there and think "You idiot! We debated at the very same tournament LAST YEAR!" I got this news right before my pre-calc midterm which had me wound up and unable to sleep the night before the most important final of my semester. I was so mad that our members decided to flake on the most important tournaments of the year because they didn't feel like going! Not to sound elitist because its not but its just a sentiment I carried with myself since I started debate in high school, that kind of attitude is not one I want on a team. And its definitely the kind of attitude that I answer back with, "then you don't deserve to debate, talent and all." To me that does not put debate first (it puts their pride first).

Which is why Tony, Tanzy, and I are cutting and creating this whole new position in 3 days so we can see if we can GO to the winter tournaments. These are the last two tournaments I am debating for this debate season. Because of some people's poor judgements they jeapordized the team from learning.

Which is why I am willing to sift through 250 pages of articles (during Christmas DAY) to go to this tournament that despite some doubts I know I will enjoy.

I dunno, to me I have always shirked pride for debate, I have redefined myself and doubted myself for debate, I have given up two of my New Year's celebrations for debate. I passed the millenium with the team instead of family. I always put debate first. I guess its just me.

Listening to: KareKano OST 1 & 2 (the slow moody piano pieces.)

Saturday, December 23, 2000
Its 01:04 p.m. why isn't Steph asleep yet!?!

Card Captor Sakura Dolls in the US! =D